I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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