I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
