If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
