I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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