Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
