You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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