Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize