I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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