I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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