The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
time to smoke my breakfast
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize