remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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