Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
