I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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