u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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