Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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