Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
