Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
