i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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