I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
