I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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