shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
