How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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