I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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