The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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