Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
