seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
