is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Found your dick twin last night
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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