At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
