Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
