theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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