I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
