dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
