She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
