I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
