I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
