I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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