You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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