..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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