I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
