apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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