Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize