**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
