I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
