My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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