I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Pants are for mortals
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
