If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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