I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
