I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
