sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
