I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I stole a fireplace last night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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