I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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