My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
