Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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