your parents love me but you hate me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
