its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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