census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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