Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
