I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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