Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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