I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
